My Testimony

God can take our pain and turn it into his masterpiece, I am living proof of that. We don’t always know when we’re suffering what gifts we might receive as a result. My gift, ironically, turned out to be the one thing that helped me cope through it all- writing. Now I am blessed to be able to share it with others.

Since I was just a little girl I loved to write. It was the perfect outlet to let out my frustration and sadness when other children at school teased me relentlessly or excluded me from their play or when teachers punished me because I couldn’t meet their expectations. As a child I often retreated and turned to writing when the violence in our home became too much to bare.

I was born with a very rare eye condition that caused me to look and perform very differently from other children my age. The condition (called Nyastagmus) was noticeable to other children, even from a distance, and made me immediately the center of attention any time I entered a room (this included large crowds such as the cafeteria).

 Imagine being five years old and unaware that you are different from others and entering the school cafeteria for the first time only to be greeted by a hush of silence, followed by pointing, then snickering and giggling, followed by a line of children sitting across from you all staring at you and mocking you moving their eyes wildly back and forth and laughing.

Because there had not been any discussion in our home about my differences, I had no idea why I was being mistreated by the other children. I did not understand the reason why, but I was intelligent and did understand that I was being insulted and ostracized. I felt so alone that day. My first day of school was very painful. I couldn’t wait to go home to the safety and security of the home that I had known for four years, where people did not laugh and point at me- even if things there were sometimes very hard also.

There were many days like that that followed, and some that were a whole lot worse, except now I knew exactly why those kids were laughing because now I knew all about this stupid eye condition that I wished I didn’t have and it followed me right on through my high school years.

By the time I was old enough to reach high school the kids began to grow up emotionally or I must have learned to compensate some to make my condition less noticeable because my presence was no longer a bright red beacon for bullies in the lunchroom.

But I still kept to myself mostly. I put a lot of effort into my appearance and even though I was one of the prettier girls in my class guys were afraid to go out with me because they knew they might get teased for going out with the girl with the “weird” eyes. No one wants to get made fun of in high school. I didn’t have enough self confidence to make many friends I waited for people to approach me and that didn’t happen much.

If you had asked me then, I probably would have given anything to have been like the other girls- to be normal, to not be different- to not be defective- to have a popular boy become interested in me and take me to a ball game or a dance-to fit in and have fun like it seemed the rest of the kids in high school were doing. I didn’t want to party and drink. I was a good girl from what seemed like a good family, raised in church my whole life, went to church three times a week (even more when we had revival), sang in front of the church, and attended vacation bible school every summer- sometimes twice (if I went with grandma). In fact, it was in vacation bible school that me and my best friend Mary went down to the altar and got saved. We liked it so good on Monday night that we got saved again on Tuesday and Wednesday night too, until the pastor finally asked us to stop coming down and assured us that one time was quite sufficient. We both recited a prayer half heartedly from a card, signed our name at the bottom, and thought we bought an insurance policy to heaven. Oh how sadly deceived we were.

I bought that lie, even counted on it for sixteen years. But praise God for his undying mercy and grace toward us! After the birth of my first child, when I was expecting my second child, I decided I wanted to get really serious about daily devotions and I had been reading my bible every day. After a few days I knew that God was speaking to my heart. One day seriousness came over me like I had never known before and this realization that I was lost and dying and on my way to hell confronted me. I knew that this was the Holy Spirit convicting me, that I truly had never accepted Jesus as my Savior although I had spent all that time in church. So I knelt down by my bedside and I asked Jesus to come into my heart and to take over my life and I felt the power of the Holy Spirit in that room that day. Now I know what people mean when they talk about that “feeling” they had when they got saved. I could not understand that before and always thought it was just an exaggeration or figure of speech. But that day I know for sure that Jesus was there in that room.

I know one thing for sure, my life and my heart has never been the same since that day. In my walk with God, I know that I have disappointed and failed him many times, that is the human in me that I cannot overcome. But I love my Savior and I will keep trying to serve him as long as I live because that is what he has commanded me to do...”let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” Matthew 5:16

A lot has happened since that day in my bedroom. I went through a painful divorce with the father of my three children and, as children of divorce often do, one by one each of my children choose to live with their other parent. My children were (and still are) my whole life and it nearly killed me to experience that loss. After a prolonged period of illness I found out that my eye condition (and the illness) was originally caused by brain stem compression. At age thirty I had a very risky decompression surgery in hopes of reversing the illness. I was told it might also reverse the nystagmus but not to count on it. Through the grace of God I survived what turned out to be a very frightening surgery that was tough to recover from. I am still thankful that I pulled through that surgery without long-term consequences as so many others were not as fortunate.

After the surgery my Nystagmus had dramatically improved but did not disappear entirely. My illness dramatically improved for two years and I began to go to college in hopes of becoming a special education school teacher and working with children who had problems like I had when I was a child. Then I began to have startling short term memory loss, overwhelming fatigue, tingling in my hands and feet and joint pain. I was on the dean’s list, in honor society and I had three scholarships. But I had to drop out of college because I became too ill to attend. After a while I was diagnosed with Lupus and fibromyalgia. I have battled with both illnesses for the past five years.

With the help of God and a very good doctor the Lord has sent my way I have learned how to manage living with chronic illness. Most of the time I am able to do a lot of what I want. I am not able to work anymore but I am able to take care of the house and do some things with the church now and, with the help of my husband, we are raising foster children whenever the Lord sends them our way. I have good days and bad ones and I never know when I wake up in the morning which it will be. But I have learned to praise God for the good ones and hold his hand through the bad ones. In the past I complained about bad hair days, after my long hair was shaved for my neuro surgery I learned to just be thankful to have hair and laugh when it looks ugly.

No matter what I’ve gone through, Jesus has been the friend that has stood closest by me. In my darkest hour, when I barely had the strength to call out to him, he has lifted me up and I have rested in the shadow of His wings until I had the strength to go on and face the world again. Knowing Jesus has not made me rich or famous, pretty, or popular, nor has it made my life easy or care free. Knowing Jesus  has given me a place to run when I have needed to find higher ground. Through Jesus I have eternal life but without him I could not navigate this life down here. I am finding every day that I need him more. There is a comfort that only he can give…”come unto me all ye that are weak and heavy laden for I will give you rest.”

So if you ask me why I write, why I sing, or why there’ll always be a little kid running around my house there is but one answer...

his name is Jesus.

 ...For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:38-39